Apr. 26, 2022

It has been half a month since the start of another new reincarnation, and this is the 76th time.

I still remember the “it” that appeared at the end of the 67th cycle. However, I can’t remember its specific appearance clearly. I just felt that the despair at that time was extremely strong, like a mirror that couldn’t’t resist the high pressure, thereby being broken, and also like a blazing fire burning my skin, which made me breathless. It seemed to be aimed to save me, at least from my perspective. After all, it mentioned the “deal” from which probably I could get something. But I was obviously silent, and I don’t know if I will lose anything.

Nevertheless, the words “map of the soul” always lingered in my mind. Can I escape from this endless cycle as long as I find this so-called map?

May 5, 2022

The reason why I want to save them now is fading away. And the only thing I know is that I always repeat everything over and over again numbly.

When this cycle began, I had met Taran at the gas station by instinct. When the unscrupulous driver threw the paper money out of the window, I bent down and picked up the money scattered on the ground, sorted it out, put it into to his hand and then flashed a flawless smile by virtue of my muscle memory.  In this way, I completed the “rédemption” of Taran. At the time, I didn’t understand that if I had not done this, his ending would be so tragic and bleak. But in order to keep time passing, I had to do so. It’s just that I was not in the mood to greet him, so I left then. And in my recollection, we used to talk afterwards, but at that moment, I thought it was unnecessary.

Since then, I had been paying attention to the traces of Leo and Max. I once tried to save their lives through my own intervention, but to no avail. It was not until dozens of cycles passed that it was no longer a chaotic affair: the redemption relationship between this group of people was interlocked, so my efforts alone were not enough. Besides, it was really difficult to clarify the entanglement between these two people, and the time point of falling into the abyss could not be determined. So I could not relax, otherwise everything would be lost again. Ultimately, I caught the opportunity and drove to the building where Leo was. But just as I was about to get out of the car and ascend to the top floor to call him, who was shaking in the air, an accident happened —— someone followed me to the top floor and took a step ahead of me.

“Leo! Go and save Max!” He shouted at Leo. And I recognized him as Dave through his voice and tone.

After hearing his words, Leo seemed to come to his senses. He frowned and asked, “What? What’s wrong with him?”

At that time, because I was too surprised and time was tight, I carried out the next plan habitually and quickly. Leo had to quickly set off to the hotel where Max stayed and save him from the sea of fire so that the gears of time could continue to rotate.

Now after calm thinking, a string of questions has piled up in my mind: Why had Dave come? This cycle should have been the same as countless times before, which was up to me to throw the paper ball arranged for Leo in advance to imply that he needed to scout around for Max. But why was it different this time?

May 7, 2022

Today, Jimin completed the “rédemptions” of Jared. Although there was a little episode, it didn’t affect me to continue. I just rigorously did what I had repeated countless times like a satellite launched and then entering the established orbit according to the procedure.

I made noise in the stairwell on the fifth floor of the hospital, so that Jimin could catch Jared, who mistook the woman who passed by for his abandoned mother, so as to avoid him falling down the stairs. But this time, somehow, Jimin found me. Dave wasn’t involved in it, so this slip should not have appeared. But I can be sure that he spotted me, because we looked at each other, eye to eye, although only for one second.

Not intending to study and figure out whether there is any causal theory or butterfly effect behind it, I just yearn and crave for an exit to be rid of the bottomless pit…

May 20, 2022

Obviously, I played every step accurately in the chessboard, but why am I stuck in a quagmire now?

I stared at the watch on my left wrist, and then timed to call Jared, asking him to stay in front of Dave's house for a while, so that he could perceive the chaos in the house: the father's scolding and assault, the sister's scream and shriek, and the broken sound of the bottom of the glass in Dave's hand. Afterwards, Jared definitely would not hesitate to break into this decayed and desperate home, trying to stop the tragedy from happening.

So far, there is only one last step left in the cycle of “redemption”. But, when I thought my mind could be at ease temporarily, an incident happened —— Dave visited me.

He asked me out, and his locked eyebrows showed his complicated mood at this moment. He didn’t exchange the usual pleasantries with me but went straight to the point (this was good, and I was not willing to spend too much time on such an insignificant thing.)

“I’ve been dreaming lately.” He said.

When I thought to myself that “Is it necessary to talk to me about this little thing?”, he continued, “It’s so real. These dreams are so real. I dreamed that I poked the wine bottle at my father; I dreamed that Leo fell from a tall building; I dreamed that Max lit the gasoline all over the room in the hotel; and many... If we weren’t there at that time, wouldn’t this have come true? And…and Taran, he fell into the container. A raging fire. It seems that the demolition team set the fire. He was trapped and couldn’t get out!” He said incoherently, then paused, raising his eyes to look at me straight in the eye. “In these scenes, I have seen your figure.”

Hearing that, my heart beat violently. While I was thinking about how to respond, Dave asked me, “I just want to know, have I really killed my father?”

“No.” I blurted out. However, I laughed at myself: Harlan, why don’t you tell the truth? Tell him that in each cycle of your failure, he raised the bottle countless times and rushed at his ugly, abusive father.

After that, I left first with an excuse. Dave, I hope you don’t become the stumbling block to my way to get away from this boring and hopeless transmigration.

Jun.13, 2022

“Harlan, you have changed.” He said.

I tried not to think about this sentence and decided to calmly write down the progress of my “redemption” action during this period.

I put an end to it for the time being, and then I could finally commence the search for the “map of the soul,” although I had no clue where to really start.

Smoothly, I clustered with five people to discuss a specific and practicable plan, that is, the way to “rescue” Jimin from the mental ward.

The moment Jimin opened the door, I knew what it meant to him. It was freedom. What about me? Where is my freedom?

Later, the seven of us gathered again, for the first time since we had split up in high school, to make an appointment to see the sea. Although I didn’t like to do these meaningless things, it was part of the cycle which I couldn’t avoid.

“Harlan! Come and take a picture!” Jimin waved to me.

Watching the six people welded in front of me with bright smiles, I felt an exquisite pain in my head suddenly. I walked away and climbed up the nearby high platform to calm down and compose myself to relieve the headache.

When I snapped out of it, Dave was already sitting beside me, holding the photo they had just taken on the beach. He moved towards me. I wanted to step back and keep my distance, but my body didn’t listen and follow my brain.

I felt his sight. After a while, I heard him say, “Harlan, you have changed.”

I raised my head promptly, frowned and waited for him to explain what change was there in me?

I looked forward to hearing his answer, but he left.

In a trance, I seemed to see the figure of Dave jumping down from the high platform in a past reincarnation, flapping the broken wings in the air like a butterfly, and then falling into the sea, leaving a white splash. And now I was sitting here looking down, only feeling foggy below, like a sandstorm. In short, I can't see clearly.

Jun. 15, 2022

Now that the fate of the six people has been changed by me, it’s time for me to get up to business.

Every night, I repeatedly recalled the scene of trading with “it” before going to bed, but I couldn’t remember anything else except the “map of the soul”. I pondered about what it was —— what the treasure that could take me out of here was. Failing to get an answer, I planned to inquire about Taran. In my eyes, he was more reliable than others. After all, he helped me hide the truth about the collapse of the seven of us in high school. Not expecting him to give back to me an accurate answer, I just hoped he could spread the news to acquire a little clue.

When meeting him, I noticed his sorrowful face, as if he had more to say to me. Sure enough, after finishing my words, he suddenly asked me about my high school.

“Do you remember our secret base? It’s the abandoned classroom that had brought us together. I once heard the sound of piano coming from it by chance. I thought it was Max, but I didn’t expect that you were playing the piano at that time.” He smiled and said, with two dimples on his cheeks and his eyes bent into a crescent moon, as if he had fallen into a sweet memory.

Listening to these words that coincide with my memory, I instinctively tried to restore those scenes in an attempt to resonate with Taran’s emotions. However, on the contrary, only unbearable pain resounded in my head.

“Stop talking!” I shouted and ended the conversation.

What was there to remember？What was its significance? I couldn’t capture or get anything that could satisfy me from those vague memories. There was no need to torture myself.

Jun. 16, 2022

Dave had come, I knew. At that time, I was sorting out my thoughts in front of the photos posted on the wall of the study, which were all about the redevelopment of Sokcho City. In those days, my father was always holding meetings about this, from which I have learned a lot of relevant information, understanding that the arrangement was not negotiable but a matter of certainty. But, as Dave said, the fundamental reason why Taran fell in the sea of fire in his dream was the implementation of urban redevelopment. The place where he now lives is an abandoned container, an illegal place of residence. If he dies because of this, won’t this cycle be invalidated again? While thinking, I experienced a strong vision. I found that Dave was standing outside my villa out of the corner of my eye, hiding behind the bushes and trying to spy on something through the floor-to-ceiling glass window. So, I turned a little sideways and thought that it would be better for a third party to intervene in this matter, so that all the photos came into his sight.

He won’t be indifferent, will he? Out of fear of Taran, Dave will also take action, right?

Jul. 5, 2022

It didn’t let me down. They probably found something.

This morning, the news that “The Executive Book of Redevelopment of Sokcho City was found in the Municipal Police Department” was broadcast on TV. If I am right, Dave probably accompanied Taran and sought out the conference hall of the redevelopment project, thus getting the relevant information and documents. But perhaps out of concern that they were accused of theft, they “left” the documents at the police station.

Now, because of this “accidental incident”, the redevelopment project had caused an uproar. In fact, I don’t care much about who it will affect and how big it will be. With the advancement of the project and the additional impact of this incident, the past disasters may also be changed, right? I still have such an idea, with a glimmer of hope. In fact, to put it bluntly, I’m still leaving room for myself.

Jul. 20, 2022

After many cycles, I realized that some things were unavoidable. After all, it will not affect the passage of time. Now I also feel that these things have nothing to do with me. For example, Leo had a car accident. I heard from the doctor that his injury was very serious, but miraculously, he completely recovered within half a month. During his hospitalization, there was a lot of progress on “map of the soul”.

News is such a thing that spreads from mouth to mouth. Previously, I asked Taran for information about it and had expected that everyone else would know it later. Well, things were really progressing.

Through the group chat, I learned that Jimin had heard of the “map of the soul” when he was in the mental hospital. Later, he returned to the hospital and found the patient Uncle Brown, who had been there for decades. After being trapped in the hospital for a few years, Jimin happened to pass by Uncle Brown, who was watching TV that played the speech of the mayor of Sokcho City, and then heard him talking about “soul” and “map”, and so on, as well as a vague word similar to a person’s name, “Levi”, which may be pronounced like this.

Hence, I planned to meet with Jimin and the others to discuss the map in detail.

According to the development of the circular timeline in the past, the party held to celebrate Leo’s discharge from the hospital was a good opportunity.

The gathering place was in the fast food restaurant where Jared worked, but he had disappeared. As a result, the six of us opened the conversation about the map. Everyone was trying to think and find ways to help me find the traces of it. For a moment, I was suddenly in a trance, as if some indescribable emotion came up from my heart. But when I was about to call out, the words were stuck in my throat.

“Actually, I have made some new discoveries,” Dave said with expression of hesitation and reluctance, seemingly to uncover the hidden scars.  “I went to see my mother. And you know, my parents divorced many years ago. But my uncle gave me the address of her house and chatted with me for a while the day before yesterday. He mentioned Sokcho High School to me, and also said that life is fickle and so on. I didn’t ask him in detail why he said that. He just mentioned that the mayor of Sokcho was very lively in high school, but now he always has a sense of alienation. There seemed to be an accident in the school, and the mayor and several friends around him suddenly dispersed.”

“I know what you mean. You mean, Uncle Brown and the mayor may have something to do with the soul map?” Jimin answered. Then, everyone focused on me.

As for the mayor of Sokcho City, that is, my father, he seems to have always been very indifferent and ruthless. Hearing Dave say that he used to be very lively, I couldn’t help sneering. Looking through the little things about him in my mind, I appeared to have always been a very humble posture with timidity. How to say, is something broken? Now when I see him smiling at the people on TV, I’m able to easily see his true face under the mask.

Right on cue, Taran proposed, “Since there was an accident, it will definitely be recorded. Dave and I are going to the city library to seek the school history to see if there are any clues.”

“Well, Jimin and I will search on the Internet to find out if there is any relevant news. Leo, you still have to go to school,” Dave said in a low voice. Leo nodded and agreed.

As soon as the words fell, footsteps came from not far away. Jared came to us and said breathlessly, “Due to the exposure of the redevelopment plan, the orphanage will be demolished in advance! But the dean has not found a new relocation location. Although we marched and revolted in the street, it did not help. Harlan, could you talk to your father to delay the demolition process?”

I knew how much the orphanage mean to him, and that he had no choice but to ask me for help, but my brain failed to control my words. And even I felt extremely indifferent to what I say. “I can’t help you. It’s not up to me. You need find another way out.”

Jared left in disappointment. I felt sorry for Leo for it was a party for him, but the atmosphere was ruined by me.

However, my soul was wrapped in layers of bandages which I couldn’t get rid of, so that my heart, my words, and my deeds were cold and empty.

Aug. 9, 2022

The fog seemed to dissipate gradually, and I tried to push it away and find the truth of everything.

Due to the long age ago, Taran and Dave looked through the history of the school, only finding a record of “accident”. It is said that a classmate in my father’s class was missing and that the police had searched for him for a long time but could not find his whereabouts. His name is Lewis. Ah, it’s Levi, the name that Uncle Brown always murmured.

The second discovery was about my father and Principal Mr. Gallagher of Sokcho High School. Jimin and Max did not find official reports on the Internet, but they saw attention-causing remarks in a forum more than ten years ago:

“I remember that when I was in high school, Stephan Kim (my father) and Dawson Gallagher had a very bad relationship. Why now has Stephan Kim invested in the school and rebuilt it, and cooperated with him so actively?

Just as I was sorting out my ideas and figuring out the connection, Leo sent me a message:

“In fact, since Max was ordered to drop out of school, we have never gathered at the secret base again. After Jimin entered the hospital and Taran dropped out of school to work, the seven of us really broke up. Now, we finally got together again, and the memories of the past pulled me back into the seemingly forgotten classroom. It’s probably fate that guides me back here. Because when I was looking for our handwriting on the graffiti-covered white wall, I saw Stephan Kim’s name! Next to it are Dawson Gallagher, Lewis, Jeff Brown, Bryan... These signatures are not far from those big letters! —— “Everything starts from here.”

Aug. 10, 2022

I went to the secret base because I believed that I would find something there.

With the creaking sound of the old door opening, I stepped into the classroom. There were clearly visible dust particles in the air, and I gently stroked the dust on the piano rack with my fingers. As I looked down, I saw the score falling under the seat. I bent down and picked it up to find out. It was a song written by Dave. The melody of this song automatically played in my mind, and immediately, the way he played and everyone’s smile appeared in front of me. I was attracted and driven to see them. At the moment when I reached out to touch them, I accidentally touched the mechanism —— the wall  pushed away. No, to be precise, a wooden cabinet was embedded in the wall.

Surprised and puzzled, I took out the item put in the cabinet, which was a leather diary. I looked at it and saw that it carried traces of time; I opened it and knew the secret hidden in the years.

The owner of the diary is my father, Stephan Kim. The book records in detail all the things after he entered the cycle, including how to save his partners and friends, how to sign a contract with “it”, how to be disappointed in failure again and again, and finally despair. Just like me.

Then came the severe pain, and the heartbreaking pain almost swallowed me up. The gears of memory also began to rotate non-stop. Not just memory, my past happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, pain, cowardice, all my emotions have been poured into my body. From meeting six friends for the first time at the school gate to being collectively punished to clean the school, and then we found our own secret base... After the cycle began, we were reunited, ran by the sea, and had a party in the container. And ultimately, I was helpless to watch them go to the abyss and then step into the next cycle…

The instant I got out of my memory, tears were already trickling down my cheeks. When I put my hand in my pocket to try to find a tissue, I took out a photo —— sun shining on them, six people were smiling at the seaside, but their eyes were focusing on me.

So I ran home and dragged out a cardboard box from the bottom of the bed. The box contained every fixed moment of ours, the fancy years of the seven of us.

Staring at the photos that had been sealed for many years, I laughed: I found it, the “map of the soul” that belongs to me.

Aug. 30, 2022

Today is the annual fireworks festival in Sokcho City. Everyone was very delighted and enjoyed a fling.

I understood why I could not get out of the cycle: because of obsession that I couldn’t forgive myself, and I couldn’t stand my slips and mistakes. I thought it was fate that played a trick on me, but virtually, it was me that trapped myself in time.

I successfully reconciled with myself. I told my friends the story of my falling into a cycle, shared my every emotion and thought, and confessed the past —— the true reason why we were separated. It was I who told him about the existence of the secret base under the questioning of the headmaster. Because of a series of chain reactions caused by this incident, things gradually began to get out of control, and I also embarked on a journey to save them because of my inner guilt.

I don‘t want to blame myself for the mistakes I have made in this cycle, but focus on the present and the future. After my investigation and research, I revealed and reported the rotten essence of the “redevelopment “project to the news media and also returned the diary to its original owner. When my father received the diary, I seemed to see his real expression and spy his most real emotions. In addition, the heart knots of friends have not really been untied, and the scars deep into the bone marrow have not been completely healed, but as long as we are still together, the injustice of society and the destruction of life cannot easily bend our backs.

This will be the last diary I write. Then, I plan to put my diary and my map in the wooden cabinet of the classroom, waiting for the arrival of the next lost soul.