A Period of Growth
English name:Mia Chinese name: 耿闻妍 Student number:220110711
Recently, it has been the time for the college entrance examination, and everyone is immersed in the tense range of the exam. There are also some college students who have already gone through the exam and miss their high school days at this time. They’ve published some photos of themselves in high school on their social media and added, "I really miss that wonderful time”. But for me, I didn't post any related content because during that period of high mental pressure, I met someone I that I don’t ever want to talk about again. Perhaps many people hear me say this sentence and will say it's normal, everyone will meet someone that they don't like. But the person I want to talk about is really scary to me. Whenever I think of that time, I first think of him, so that time has also becomes unbearable because it is full of him.
That was the day that started and ended in winter. At that time, I had only one year left to take the college entrance examination. Due to the pandemic, I spent a lot of time playing and relaxing, resulting in a sharp decline in my academic performance. Therefore, my mother enrolled me in a self-study class where I would go to do homework in the evening after leaving school. This was a very common thing. But there, I met him; maybe we could temporarily call him Luke.
When I first saw him, I was thinking that he must be a wild and unrestrained person. He was wearing a pair of headphones and crossing his legs. He had a well-tanned and healthy skin color, and just looking at his outline showed that he was usually very athletic. All of his characteristics were not visible among the boys in my class, who were more concerned about studying, and they didn't even go out to do sports or exercise most days. The fact was that during our break from self-study, he would tell many jokes that I had never heard before. He could easily make everyone happy. At that time, under the pressure of the college entrance examination, his company was a way for me to relieve stress. I regarded him as my best friend. We wound talk quietly, but we wouldn’t show it in front of the teacher. He had many shining points that I hadn't seen before, which were not in those bookworms around me. His greatest strength lay in singing. His voice could be said to have a sense of rhythm. He hardly knew Japanese, but he could sing many Japanese songs completely, and it was really nice to hear. So all the people in the study room liked him very much and regarded him as a very good friend, and he was very kind to everyone. After a while, in April, on my birthday, I hadn’t told anyone, but he found out and had placed 5 bottles of my favorite drinks on my desk, put them in a shape, and gave me a book about family and love. He wrote a small note saying, 'Always be happy and happy, my best friend.' I was completely moved by this, but because the teacher was strict, I couldn't thank him in person. So I endured for a long time. The first thing I did when I got home at night and received my phone was to thank him for all his thoughts that. However, he told me that he liked me very much, not as a friend, but as a lover. I was truly shocked, but at the same time, what I was truly afraid of was that if I refused him, we wound never be friends again, and our relationship would become very awkward. However, I couldn’t agree with him yet because I only had the kind of admiration for him as a friend. So, after careful consideration, I replied with a paragraph like 'I'm really sorry, you're a very nice person, but I've always treated you as a friend' and 'We'll still be friends, right?' He didn't reply that night. Every day after that, I felt very tormented. He would come to my class to see me every day and write love letters to me every day. He looked like a different person, as if it was not the boy who had provided psychological comfort to others every day. Every line of the content he wrote to me made me feel scared. "Seeing you every day is my greatest hope, as long as I can see you, I will feel very happy." This was strange, and it also put a lot of psychological pressure on me; I explicitly rejected him, but he chose to ignore it and double his efforts to integrate into my life. I didn't want him to do that. For me, at that time, leaving school every day to go to the study room was a relaxing time, but after this incident, I felt that my mood was extremely heavy every day, and I could not tell my mother because early love was a sensitive topic between us. A week later, under his constant interruptions, I couldn't bear it anymore. I wrote a one word reply to his terrifying courtship letter, on which I clearly and definitely rejected him.
I remember that day well; I had arrived early in the study room and placed my rejection letter on his desk. It was simple; he always sat behind me. After a while, he arrived, again carrying a love letter, of course. I pretended to do my homework, but all my attention was on him. I expected him to see that letter, but I was afraid that he would react too aggressively. Of course, the fact was also unsatisfactory. He saw the letter that I had placed on his desk, which was very eye-catching. He read it for a while, and then he slowly crumpled it. I didn't see the way he crumpled it, but I heard the sound of him crumpling the paper. Even if I could only hear the sound, I still felt something was wrong because I could tell from the sound that his emotions were not quite right. Quickly, I heard him crying softly, which was a bit surprising to me because I hadn't expected him to cry, and then he walked into the bathroom. I simply thought he didn't want to cry in front of us, so he chose to go to the bathroom to vent. But as he went out, he had borrowed a lot of paper from other classmates. A few minutes later, a sister in the study room who was one year younger than me also went to the bathroom, but she quickly ran back and said to us with a trembling voice, "What should I do? There's blood on the wall.” I had a buzzing sound in my head which it suddenly emptied out. The first reaction that I had at that time was that Luke had harmed himself. I used an excuse to tell my teacher that I wanted to go out and buy some water, and then I ran out and found him next to the pharmacy downstairs. He squatted on the roadside. I calmed down and walked towards him, step by step. The process was really long, and I kept thinking, what should I do, say something to stop him? When I walked up to him, I said, "Did you just hurt yourself? In the bathroom?" He didn't care and didn't even look up at me.
"It's nothing, it's just a stab in the chest." I didn't expect him to admit it so quickly, but at that time, I wasn't particularly afraid. Most of my emotions were reminiscent of us being such good friends before. Because of these emotions, we had now become so rigid in our relationship. I didn't regret rejecting him, but I thought that I must do something to remedy it.
So, I said, "Why hurt yourself?" He looked up at me, calm on the surface, but his voice couldn't stop trembling, I thought it was probably because he was a bit emotional.
"It's nothing, I used to do this a lot. I think it can heal the pain in my heart,"
"But you can't hurt yourself just over such a small matter!” I said.
“But you don't have the right to care about me, do you?”
I found myself speechless. So, I turned around and left. I walked very gracefully, but I was really scared. I had never experienced such a thing before, and I didn't expect a seemingly cheerful person to harm themself.
Extreme pressure and fear erupted when I met my mother. At that time, it was already midnight, and there were not many people on the street. My mother and I were holding hands and going home. I cried out, feeling aggrieved, unwilling, and even resentful. That was my last collapse before the college entrance examination, and my first venting in high school. I couldn't help but cry and burst into tears. I felt that my psychological pressure was really great, and I was blaming myself, even though I knew that this result was not intentional. My mother didn't say anything, she just listened and changed her usual irritable temper. Perhaps she felt my psychological fragility, so she just hugged me and listened to me, even though I had been crying and couldn't speak clearly. Later on, I was thinking, am I really blaming myself? Perhaps a little, but I was really afraid. I was not afraid that he would hurt me. I was afraid that time that had so comforted me had become completely unrecognizable because of this unbearable relationship. I hated the day after day brushing questions and facing the college entrance examination. I hated those nerds around me who had just grown up behind their desks. I liked the feeling of freedom with Luke because no one cared about his studies. And I was afraid that there would never be such a symbol to light up my dull life in the future. In summer, there is always a heavy rain that washes everything away after two hot day; just like after the venting of that night, all my fears had been diluted. When I left that comfort zone, when I faced the countdown to my few remaining exams the next day, I realized that those were small things. I should not be responsible for anyone's choices, and I also had my own life and goals.
When I understood this, those dull and tasteless lives were not so scary. I had just been hiding outside a protective shell, forgetting the life that I really needed to master. I stopped going there, started studying at home, and time passed quickly. On the day when everyone was happily taking graduation photos, I passed him by again, but we both chose to focus on talking and laughing with friends before leaving. I heard his friend urging him to take a photo with me, and I also heard him casually say "forget it". Forget it; even today, we still have to live two separate lives, and I have learned to leave the comfort zone I had built and bravely face the occasional unbearable life, calmly accepting the current choices.
Until now, I fully understand that it is not his madness that cannot be looked back on, but my cowardice. This may also be the pain of youth growth that everyone experiences. I am willing to accept my growth, and I am also willing to face all the unpleasant breakups.
（耿闻妍）
