If We Had Had a Future

Daviana      李聪蓉      220110412

 People always say “if” when they try to escape from a truth which would make them afraid or sad. But if we hide to keep our minds from being chewed up with pain, the phantom life that we imagine is not the truth. As soon as a person is born, they will cry from being hit by the doctor who delivers then and then disengages them from their mother. And they begin to breathe on their own. And eventually, they will be hit by the merciless truth and cry countless times, gradually leaving childhood towards a further, more unknowable future. Dating back to my childhood, I have cried countless times. However, there will never be something that will make me sadder than the death of my grandparents that year.

 My grandparents had accompanied me since I was born. As far back as I can remember, my grandfather had been sick. He could not speak fluently and had to be supported when he walked. But I can still recall his happy face whenever he saw me. He always wanted to talk to me, but sometimes I was impatient. When my grandmother saw this scene, she would say he was an old boy. Because of his illness, when I was a baby, only my grandmother took care of me all the time. From a babbling baby to a walking child, from kindergarten to primary school, my grandmother was everywhere in my childhood. In my memory, she was stronger and healthier than any old man I have ever seen.

 I had always promised," I'll make money for you when I'm old enough to work. Buy you lots and lots of things you want.”

 "What a dutiful child my dear is！I'm so glad to hear that,” a smile brightened her face.

 However, prolonged company has annoyance and quarrels.

 I had a beautiful bird when I was a pupil. I really loved it and played with it every night. But one day I heard that the bird was let off by my grandmother by accident when I came home. I was too sad and angry to communicate with her calmly. I blamed her so much then. I quarreled, I cried, I refused to communicate. Finally, I was rebuked by my mother and stopped running wild.

 My grandmother became ill suddenly. I couldn’t imagine how such a strong and healthy woman could become ill. I lost my affable grandmother and gained a grandmother lying in a hospital bed, unable to speak. The illness afflicted her for almost two years, but one summer night she finally was rid of it. My mother sent grandfather to my uncle’s house to save him from heartbreak but there are no air-tight walls in the world. After hearing the sad news of his wife’s death, his illness suddenly worsened, and he died within one day, following her. It was like the sky was gray all the time during those days. Because I was a child then, I was sent to my aunt’s house. I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye one last time. After they left, I have looked in every corner of the city, my eyes full of the figures of the elderly, but these were not my grandparents. I used to be afraid of ghosts in the graveyard on the hill, but now I am not afraid, because the people I love lie there. But my grandparents seemed to know that I was afraid of ghosts, so they never came to my dreams, not once. Since then, the part of my life with my grandparents has seemed to stay in the summer nights forever, leaving me looking for their figures.

 During these years, when I have felt that it was too difficult to continue, the scenes my grandparents accompanying me emerge in my mind. At those moments, I would imagine the future if they still accompanied me. If we had had a future, what would it be like?

 If we had had a future, in my mind, my grandmother would have made me my favorite steamed egg custard in the kitchen. My grandfather would have talked to me industriously and wished that I could support him with my arm as we walked around. Then we would have had a meal together after my parents came home. Something funny that happened in my school would have been shared with them. Laughter would have filled the whole house.

 If we had had future, in my mind, everything would have been expectant and joyful at Spring Festival. Grandmother would have prepared a kind of rice paste to stick the Spring Festival couplets on the door. Grandfather would have watched TV with me, pretending not to hear the voice of his wife and daughter and put candy in my hand. There would have been a lot of delicious food for the New Year’s Eve dinner, and after that dumplings with various fillings that grandmother is good at would have been served. I would have received lucky money from my elders. After watching the Spring Festival Gala, l would have fallen asleep in the joy of the New Year even though I would have wanted to keep watching all night every year.

 If we had had a future, in my mind, there would have been their figures during my high school years, and I would have shown them the University acceptance letter. I could even imagine the smiles on their faces. They would have praiseed me as the smartest child and told me to study hard in the future.

 If we had had future, in my mind, when I am at university, they will often call and ask me if I eat well and if I feel cold. When I come home for holidays, they will meet me at the station and make many home-cooked meals for me. When I am back in university, they will prepare numerous local specialties and snacks and tell me not to skip meals for the sake of losing weight.

 If we had had future, in my mind, when I get married, they will cry but be delighted for me and tell me to take good care of myself. Although I will have moved, I will often go back home to visit them. When I have my own child, they will make light of traveling from afar to see their great-grandchild though they may be too old to look after him or her. However, I will often take my child back home to visit them.

 If we had had future…

 I knew that one day my grandparents would leave. Just as the leaves fall from the branches, the sunlight leaves from the desk in the window, and the bus leaves from the station in the street. But time is gentle, and the years are still long. No one’s life is perfect all the time, but whenever we have to look ahead, in that case, we can go anywhere with hope. I think that is what my grandparents would have wanted me to do. For me, the embrace of my grandparents is my attachment to childhood. It is the port of my heart as well. Even after losing their embrace, I will always remember in my heart and never forget that warm feeling forever.

 As I write this composition, I wonder if there will be a chance, I will say: thank you for your company, and I love you.

（李聪蓉）